I Just thought so

I was in love (or thought so) not only once but a countless times. I would give extra care and attention to that person I am in loved with (or thought I am in love with). Right now, I am in a confused state of my mind. I believe I am in love with him. But what hurts is he can not reciprocate the care and attention I give. Most of the times, he would take me for granted. What's frustrating is he has no idea what his actions do to me. He says sorry but I wont hear the sincerity in it. For me, his sorry was to make me not angry of his actions. I sometimes would want to ask if he gets tired of my tantrums. But I have no courage to hear what his answers would be so I dont dare ask. I wish it's easier. I wish he'd make it easier for me. Loving him unconditionally proves to be more challenging than I anticipated. I hope I dont get tired of loving him. What I am afraid of is my love would not be enough to wait for him to love me back. I wish the day would never come when he learns to love me the way I do but I am no longer there because I am with someone else who could love me the way I had loved him.

The Paradoxical outlook of life

Someone forwarded me this message. I just want to share:

The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less,
we buy more,but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions,
but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate to ooften.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet anew neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slowdigestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throw away morality, one night stands,
overweightbodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, tokill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone wholooks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak,and give time to share the precious thoughts inyour mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

-George Carlin -

ThE aRt Of LeTtInG gO

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never found the courage to let that person know how you feel. It takes a lot of risks, takes a lot of effort to let the other person know. Giving love to that person is not an assurance that he'll love you in return. Just wait if it grows in his heart, if it does not just be content that it grows in you.

But I cant help but wish that somewhere in your heart you could find a place for me. Somewhere in your heart I wont care where it could be. A tiny little corner may not mean much to you but that tiny corner is all I ever wish for from you.

Love was not finding the right person but creating the right relationship. What matters most is not how much love was there at the beginning but how much love you can build. How can love be built if I have chosen to love you in silence for in silence I wont find any rejection. It is also my choice to adore you in my loneliness for in my loneliness, no one owns you but me alone.

Admiring you is really hard to do because you never seem to love me the way I do. It's been quite sometime since we've known each other and by the looks of it, it's nonsense to continue loving you. The funny things is how do I say good bye to you when I never had you? Why do dreams fall for you whom I fell for but who never was mine? Why do I miss you when I never was with you? But most importantly is why do I love you when your love is not for me?

Letting you go is hard but to hold on and wait and wish that you'll eventually feel the same is harder.. Giving you up does not mean I am weak, it means I am strong enough to let you go.

wsh zsa

Dilemmas of the Heart; Confusion of the mind

Families and friends would usually give us advice that we should let our mind rule our heart. But it's confusing and complicated!

For one, when we decide on taking risks about work related stuff, what do we usually do? Follow our instinct, right? Instinct is based on the intellectual experiences we have had in the past that would help us decide on the risks we are taking. We used our brain instead of being emotional on it. This is just one of the many things that we could say that we should really be rationale about things.

But what if we talked about Love? Are we to be rational or be irrational? Are we to listen to our hearts or follow our instincts?

Love.. it's an entity which is confusing, hard to decipher, painful, mysterious and unfathomable but exciting, blissful and full of life as well.

I thought it would be as easy as reciting my ABCs or counting 1 to 3. I thought with a snap of a finger everything would be solved. I didn't realize it's harder as it may seem until I had fallen. Fallen to the pit I unintentionally dig into. I am now in a dilemma on whether to pursue and risks everything.

I am in love but the person i had fallen in love with does not realize it. For him, I am just one of the his girl pal. Ouch? Yes and no. Yes, it does hurt because I never was and never will be the girl of his dreams. No, because he can always be his true self to me for there is no need to impress me. My other friends who knows have been telling me to listen to my heart but what he does tell me is to listen to what's on my mind.

My mind is doing a complex algorithm just weighing the pros and the cons of having him know that I love him more than a friend. I am seeing equations like e-mc2 and sine-cosine plus the pythagorean theorem all floating in my mind. It's a tedious process which makes my head ache.

My heart goes ballistic! All it does is throb and pumps blood into my body. Just hearing his name and voice would make heart burst with so much emotion. Uncomplicated, right? Why should it be? My heart does not think, it can only feel.

What I feel is what's complicated.. I wish there's an easier way out or a fastest way to get into it.

A new experience

Today would be a milestone for me. I join the team (manila delegates) in singing "I will survive" in front of a big crowd. The crowd composed of clients and of a different race than mine. It's something new.. It is a first for me

Just like heaven

Sometimes I wish life will always be a bed of roses. Sometimes I wish love is as easy as how you spell it. Sometimes I wish earth is just like heaven.

I watch this movie: Just like Heaven, and I wondered if I would ever find the same kind of guy. He's sweet, unselfishing, caring and most of all loving. What a lovable and idealistic this kind of man is. I now wonder if in real life we find someone who we can have our earth life just like heaven.

One of my friends I was with in the movie said she would like to be in coma just like the lead actress to find a guy like the lead actor. After some reflection, I also thought I would like to be in the same shoes if and only if I have the assurance that I'll find the right guy for me. My soul would go searching for the one and in the end, we'll live happily ever after... Nah! That stuffs are made for fairy tales, in reality it sucks!

Am I sounding bitter? I guess I am but being skeptic does not mean you're bitter. I just want to be in touch with reality... that reality may either be Just like Hell or Just like Heaven

Free thoughts

I wanted to write something eye-catching that would end in a bang. But it seems i get no inspiration from inside of me. I am in an emotional turmoil. Part happy, part sad, part unknown even to myself.

A lot of questions are running through my head. The what-if's, the pros and the cons, the effects and consquences. But sometimes I feel i am about to explode like a dormant volcano. My emotions would be like the lava too hot and too free-flowing to handle.

I hope someday I get to be enlightened. I hope i'll woke up from this sweetest dream I had and be back to reality.

Another chance in life

Today We had been in a vehicular accident. I just want to thank God that despite us being in collision with other cars, we havent gotten any bruises from it.

On My Own

There is one song from the broadway musical Les Miserables that I really like. As a matter of fact, I can relate to that song this very moment. I'd like to share it with you:

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone I walked with him 'til morning
Without him I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
And the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know
It's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone the river is just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him..
I love him..
I love him... but only on my own.....

Things I hate in you

I hate a lot of things about you.
I hate it when you are sweet and then you get cold.
I hate it when you are fun and then get serious.
I hate it when you smile and then frown.
I hate it when you are there for me and then leave me hanging.
I hate it when you share your secrets but then keep some secrets.
I hate it when you make me feel jealous yet i pushed you to find the right girl.
I hate it when i get so possessive of you because i thought i know you better.
I hate it when you hurt me but still i forgive you.
I hate you when I am so selfish coz i wanted your full attention.
I hate you when I can't express my feelings towards you coz you may take it the wrong way.
I hate you when you dont feel how special and important you are to me.
But I hate you most when despite that I hate a lot of things in you, i care and love you.
Though knowing you wont reciprocate the same affection, still i continue to love what i hate about you.

Panic Room

I attended a meeting with the client a few hours back. And guess what, I had heard the greatest news.

A few of the client resents the idea of having to work with us. They are unwilling to share whatever knowledge they have. I feel pressured and panicked upon knowing that the project i am working on requires a skill i dont have. Now, i cancelled attending a send-off party for a previous team mate and opted to go to the bookstore to buy a book. Hopefully i can learn as much as i can with a short span of time.

Wish me luck!

Sleeping Beauty

It's been 5 days since I left the Philippines. I still feel the effect of the jetlag. I still feel sleepy and drowsy during the afternoons. My body has not yet adapted the time difference. It's a bit embarrassing because sometimes I catch myself drooping to slumber.

I just hope by next week, i am revived and this jetlag has been overcomed.

Wishful Thinking

Sometimes I do hope
That to the truth I can cope
Really wanted to say
But a lot is on my way
Emotions are at stake
Consequences I cant take

Sometimes I wonder
If feelings can grow more fonder
Not only on my side
But with that person beside
Unsure if that person knows not
That I fell and went nut

Sometimes I wish for you to see
That things are not as it used to be
Changes continuously have been made
Good bye I would like to bade
To a friendship that is so wonderful
Just to have a life with you so full

Leaving on a jet plane

In a few hours I will be boarding the plane for Milwaukee. I am leaving with a heavy heart not only because of the family i'll leave behind but also the friends I learned to love. This will be the longest time i'll be far away from home.

I would have been happier if my friend had push through with his idea to see me off. I would have felt important that he took a lot of effort just to say good bye. I guess it would have been an awkward situation for the both of us.

A few hours and counting, I just finished packing my stuffs. I have 3 luggages to bring plus 1 small bag for my passport and ticket. I think I'll catch a few hours sleep... 'Til then.. good night to myself

Nothing

I just felt like writing nothing. Just so to have an entry for this day, I am writing something incomprehensible even for me as the writer. I guess I can't collect my thoughts right at the moment. Something must be bothering me. I now notice that I dont really have a subject to begin with. Oh well, life's like that. Sometimes you yourself sucks!

When Cupid meets Stupid

Yesterday, I have had my hair cut and treated. The beautician gave me a magazine to read while awaiting my hair treatment to be finished. I saw one article that made my interest sky-high. It was entitled When Cupid meets Stupid......

This particular day, I was the stupid that cupid had met. Why i said that? Well, Cupid may have hit his arrows wrongly at me and yet I was foolish enough to ask someone one stupid question. A question that might cast a doubt over the comfortable friendship we have. How I wish I could take those questions back. Talk about being tactless and a fool.

A friend once showed me this message. For whatever reason I'd like to post it:
Don't be too sweet coz I might miss you
Don't be too good coz I might care for you
Don't be too caring coz I might fall for you....
It would be hard for me to fall if you won't love me after all.

Totoy Bibo

Minsan sa aking buhay ako'y may nakilalang nilalang. Isang nilalang na kung sa anong kadahilanan ay hindi ko maipaliwanag ang kanyang pagkatao. Itatago ko na lang sa pangalang TOTOY BIBO.

Nakilala ko si Totoy Bibo sa isang lugar na ako at ang ibang taong nakakakilala sa kanya ang may alam. Naging kaibigan ko sya ngunit hindi yung matatawag na "close friend". Sa umpisa nakakatuwa at nakakatamba ng puso kung iyong iisipin na ipinagkakatiwala ni Totoy Bibo ang kanyang mga problema, sekreto, mga saloobin. Ngunit habang tumatagal nakakairita lalo na kung paulit ulit na lang. At lalong nakakainis kapag may halong kayabangan ang kanyang binbitawang salita. Tingin kasi nya sobrang galing nya (kaya nga bibo d ba?). Pero kung tutuusin puro hangin lang naman. Haaay.. sana naman matauhan sya. Sana naman magkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob na semplangin sya. Pero pag d sya tumigil bibingo na talaga sya sa akin.

Ano ang magiging wakas ni Totoy Bibo? Sa ngayon hindi ko pa alam.....

From A special person

Why would I:
tolerate your Kakulitan
take those demeaning hawak sa ulo
listen to the excruciating loudness of your halakhak
pretend to be numb from your ticklings
and not to be annoyed by your disruptions

Coz I would:
rather be smiling and be demented than just to be busy working.
And lastly medyo sensitive and sweet ka din kahit ganayan ka….

To Team or not to Team

With no prelude or preamble to say, I would like to commend the Trust Team for a job well-done. It was a pleasure working with all of you. No matter how hectic the schedules and deadlines, the fun of working was not taken away because of the people within the team.

Thanks for the short time spent on this short-term project. Be seeing you all around. Hopefully, once more our path will cross. Good luck to each of us and God bless us all.

A special person

Usually we do get attach to a certain object or person. When this object or person is taken away from us, it feel that somehow a part of you has been taken away too. This feeling often occurs if a significant impact has been made by our object of attachment.

I remember the first day that I reported back to work after coming in from Milwaukee. I never had any inclination of what is to come or what is to happen on that day. It never occurred to me that I would likely meet someone who would somehow occupy a special place in my heart.

We hardly had anything to say to each other except HI and HELLO when we were introduced. But as the days pass, as our bickerings and teasings became constant, we became close friends. Going to the office everyday is an fun-filled adventure. Not a day would pass without me having to tease him about being the source of the solar system. Not a day would also pass without him retaliating by drawing a picture of Babe or any other stuffs he may think just to exact revenge for the wrongdoings I have done.

Given that, he is careful as to not go overboard like disrespect or rude or even offend a girl. That quality of him I do admire most. With all the harrassment I may have done with him, he remained a sweet source of enlightenment to me. To this special person...... Thank you for the Piglet......

Mabuhay!

Mabuhay! ... A word of welcome in the Philippines. After having stayed in the US for 2 months, I now hear the familiar jargon.

Mabuhay! How lovely it is to hear. How welcome and reassuring the feeling is among your own people. How truly at home I am now for being where I belong.

Mabuhay!

Mixed Emotions

Have you ever been in a situation where you were happy but at the same time sad? How about excited for that day to come but dreading it to come? What is the term...Ironic or paradoxic?

Right now, I am excited, elated, truly happy to go home and see my family after 2 months in exile. Don't get me wrong.. exiled in a sense that I was sent away from home. But I also feel sad, i dread to see my last day from exile to come. I wanted to stay more but I also wanted to go home. I wanted to see a lot more from country of dreams (USA) but I miss my homeland (Philippines). I seem so timid and shy around my co-workers but I enjoyed their company and frankness and cool attitude.

There is something more I would like to write about how I feel but I seem not able to find the words that can encompass how I truly feel. I am enamored of this country (USA) for the fulfillment of my dreams but I must get back to reality. The reality to go back to where I truly belong...

Shop-aholic, work-aholic, alcoholic

Happiness doesnt last forever. We sometime feel lonely, depress and in despair. What do we do to overcome this? We dont go to psychiatrists for a therapy but sort to other extra curricular stuffs.

I am reminded of a movie I once watched (I have forgotten what film that was. Oh well, Philippine movies have the same theme anyway that you would not know the difference). The lead character or the movie was in grievance over the death of his wife and child. The actor drowned himself to too much liquor to help him forget the pain. Well, I tried doing that one time I got broken hearted but it didnt help much. It even added to the pain you are feeling. Aside from the heartache you get a headache from the hang-over. Who wants additional pain? This is not a good resort to cure the negative state of bliss.

I have a friend who wallows herself with too much work to help forget. Duh?! Forget what? That she has other aspect of her human form aside from the physical and emotional aspect. She should also balance it with her intecllectual, social, moral and spiritual aspect. We tend to take ourselve for granted by making our whole being incomplete when we focus on one aspect of our life. Being workaholic isn't healthy. It makes our brain drain even before we reach the age where alzheimers could be acceptable for our age. It also makes us a loner because we are creating our own realm, a bubble that no one else can prick to get into. Besides that if you are being paid a minimum wage, who on earth would be stupid enough to work so hard for a meager income but if you are aiming for something, well being workaholic is another story.

Shopping is a good theraphy. I saw this on one of the shirts being sold at the Mall of America in Minneapolis. I was thinking of buying it and flashing it to friends who comments on the way I shop. I love to shop (of course when I have the monetary funds), most girls do. Shopping isn't only a theraphy for depression, it also serves as an outlet whenever you are stressed out from too much work. It also is another form of exercise because you walk to and fro looking for something nice on you. It also makes you sociable by just asking the saleslady for a size makes you interact with people. Your heart pulpitates, adrenalin rushes in which makes you excited and flush. It makes you worry as well specially if you are over your credit card's limit.

Oh well, where is this narrative getting at? I don't know. Probably just an effect of too much work which makes me in despair and utterly desperate. Plus the fact that I am stressed out because of the pressure. Hmmm.. I might as well try to be all of the above.

Fear Factor

Fear Factor! I am sure you guys are familiar with this TV show. You'll see couples, male, female, beauty queens, moms, dads, etc. competing for 50 grand... read as 50,000 US dollars. Wow! Big money specially for people who live in the third world as I do.

How will you win the 50 grand? You have to do all the challenges not only finish it but have the best time to finish the task. You eat cockroaches, hang on helicopters, eat worms, drink stuffs worth vomitting, and other gross things to do. But, people will still try to do it for the money.

In our own way, we have our own fear factor. We may not be on TV doing dangerous stunts or eating nauseous stuffs or be paid a big sum of money but we get what our fear factor is worth. Why do I say that?

My fear factor arena is in Milwaukee. The challenge will last almost 2 months. I may say I have almost overcome some of my fears. First challenge: Trust.. the project i am working is on trust accounts but is there trust among the workers? Second challenge: Work relationship... as I say is there trust among us? Third challenge: Expectation... oh, expectation stuffs, i can hear my manager say he didnt set the expectation right for me. Fourth challenge: Readiness... My manager says I am not yet ready for the task.... but why didnt he send me here in the first place? Ironic, right? Fifth challenge: Prove my worth... among all, this is the hardest. I have to combine all other challenges to be able to prove myself worthy.

The prize for the challenge? Experience, heartache, headache and a small sum of money just enough for 2 month's survival.

Oh well, one thing I've learned from this is: there's no easy way to become the best. Hard work would bring you to the ladder of success.

Sa Piling ng mga Dayuhan

Ako ngayon ay nasa ibang bayan. Sa isang bayan na ako ang dayuhan, ako ay isa lamang sampit sa kanilang lugar. Nakakatuwang isipin ang aking naramdaman noong nalaman ko na ako'y ipapadala ng aming kumpanya sa bansang hindi lamang ako ang nagmimithing makarating kundi maging ang iba.
Enero ng taong kasalukuyan ng aking malaman ang desisyon ng aking boss. Natuwa ako, excited pa nga e. Wala pang kasiguraduhan ang aking pag-alis, ako'y namili na ng mga gamit na aking dadalhin. Wow! Sosyal na ang dating ko. Pero pagkaraan ng ilang araw, nalulungkot ako. Homesick ika nga. Aking naalala hindi lamang ang init ng klima sa pilipinas kundi maging ang init ng pagmamahal sa piling ng aking pamilya.
Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mga OFW na nakikita ko noon sa airport. Nagtrabaho ako noon sa airport. Akala ko OA kung iisipin na mag-iiyakan ang pamilya sa paglisan ng isang kapamilya. Kung tutuusin kagustuhan naman yun ng aalis. Pinili nya iyon, desisyon na iyon kaya panindigan nya. Ngayon alam ko na. Gustuhin mo man, malulungkot ka pa rin. Gustuhin mo man, mapapaisip ka kung tama ba na lumisan ka.
Ang tao nga nman. Pero sa totoo lang, mas mahal ko na ngayon ang bansang Pilipinas hindi lamang sa init ng klima kundi dahil sa pamilyang naiwan

Mga tanong ng buhay

Sa araw-araw ng buhay ko, lagi akong napapaisip at nagtatanong ng mga tanong na mahirap o kadalasa’y walang sagot. Paano nga, wala din naman akong mapapagtanungan kasi sigurado akong di rin masasagot ng taong pagtatanungan ko.

Naisip nyo na ba kung bakit sa mundong ito, may mahirap at may mayaman? Kung bakit may pangit at may maganda? Bakit may matalino at may bobo? Hindi ba sabi nga nila lahat ng tao ay pantay-pantay? Pantay bang masasabi na si Juan dela Cruz ay halos magkandakuba sa kakatrabaho upang makakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw samantalang si Uncle Sam naman ay nag-eenjoy sa kaka-gimik at hindi inaalintana ang perang winawaldas? Papano naman si Maria Magdalena na nagtratrabaho sa opisina at pag-uwi sa gabi aasikasuhin ang pangangailangan ng pamilya habang si Curly Sue ay nasa parlor nagpapaganda at pag-uwi sa bahay may mga katulong at yaya na aasikaso sa kanilang pangangailangan? Napapaisip ko na rin kayo ano? Kung hindi pa, siguro manhid ka at walang pakialam sa nangyayari sa kapaligiran mo.

Maaring sa mundong ito, hindi tayo pantay sa estado sa buhay. Maaring ang tinutukoy nila na pamatayan ay ang pagiging isang tao natin: ang pagkakaroon natin ng mga pagsubok sa buhay; ang pagkakaron ng wakas sa ating hininga; ang pagkaramdam ng sakit. Maaaring marami pang dahilan kung bakit sinasabing lahat ng tao ay pantay-pantay ngunit ang tanging naisip ko na dahilan ay ang pagiging likha tayo ng Diyos.

Hidden Desire

I am not sure why
But something inside did beat so fast
Deny I did try
But all denials did not last

I guess fallen I finally became
To someone I intend not to
At some point in my life he came
Not friends nor enemies are we two

Unlikely that I get attracted
Unlikely that I will be hook
But alas I get distracted
Whenever I turn at him to have a look

How I wish there some ways
What I feel for him I tell
And after that he stays
Coz he also for me had fell